hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
