tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
