be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
