I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Her ex was at the party her housemates were having. He knocked on her door asking how she was while we were going at it. Turns out they were trying to work things out. Don't think I'll ever forget his face when we walked out of her room.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
