one word: firstdatebathroomanal
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
