The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Randomize
