hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
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