you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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