I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
