onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
