I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
You need Xanax blowdarts
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
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