You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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