Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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