If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
