I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Damn victory sex feels great
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
