we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
