we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
