we have pet lesbian snakes
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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