Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
i out mim tonsoeep
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