that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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