Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
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