I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
