Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
