ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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