She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
