you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
