A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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