it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Randomize
