If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
