This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
