just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
