how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
