I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
