I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
