The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Randomize
