god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
