I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
