Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Let's paint friendship bongs
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
