found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
