the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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