I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
