Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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