If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
