she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
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