i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
