Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
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