after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
