it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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