Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
