Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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